Man, I’m struggling with this new body. I waited so long so see a bump and then woke up one day (around week 20) like “bam, here it is”. Now I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I can’t get a good picture and I feel so insecure getting my photo taken because no matter how I pose or what I do, I don’t think it looks like me, it just doesn’t look right to me. I feel like I’m in someone else’s body, it’s so strange. Emmanuel LOVES my new big tummy, he thinks it’s so beautiful and sexy, which is really nice and definitely helps with the insecurity. I love knowing that I’m creating a safe comfortable space for my baby to live and grow, and I love seeing my tummy move when the baby kicks, but in photos and in the mirror, it all feels so alien.

Not to mention, physically it’s uncomfortable, my boobs are heavy, my tummy is heavy, my back hurts. It’s taking so much more effort to be able to even get out a chair, or move around, or go on a walk. I don’t have any stretch marks yet but I have big blue veins all over my boobs, and spots breaking out all over my face and body. I knew all these things were going to happen, the doctor and the apps and your family warn you about it, but it’s different when it actually happens and you look down and you don’t recognise yourself anymore.

I didn’t even realise how much of my identity was wrapped up in how I look until now. I keep just trying to remind myself that 1. it’s temporary, and after I give birth my body will change again and I’ll have new things to get used to. and 2. everything that is happening is happening because this is what my body needs to do to care for the baby and prepare for their arrival. It’s not really about me anymore, at least not right now, and so as long as everything keeps going as it’s supposed to, then I want to try to see it in as positive a light as possible. Although, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with struggling or mourning your old self as you enter a new life stage, so I’m trying to be kind to myself in that aspect too.

You can see my bump and me talking a little more about my body in our latest vlog.

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